Drinking and driving, bong hits, Vegas strippers… as American as Thanksgiving dinner!

The Greatest American Hero goes down… AGAIN

Oh, the poor U.S. of A. just can’t catch a break these days. American wonder boy Michael Philips, the guy who won something like 6776 gold medals for having the longest torso in the world, has once AGAIN got himself into trouble. Mr. Wheaties box, or should it be Mr. Weedies box, Mr. symbol of American values is truly living the American Dream.

Ok, so he got caught on camera doing a bong hit at a college party. So what? Who hasn’t done a bong hit at a college party? After all, despite his freaky ass torso, he is still human and only 23. Poor guy. Just listen to his apology:

“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and, despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again. I recognize the seriousness of this mistake. I’ve learned from this mistake and will continue learning from this mistake for the rest of my life. “

Say it ain’t so Mikie. I’m sure he is not a stoner, he probably only smoked the one time, right?… A person at that party told the tabloid that released the photo this:

“You could tell Michael had smoked before. He grabbed the bong and a lighter and knew exactly what to do. He looked just as natural with a bong in his hands as he does swimming in the pool. He was the gold medal winner of bong hits. Michael ended up getting a little paranoid, though, because before too long he looked like he was nervous and ran out of the place.”

Ut oh - “gold medal winner of bong hits” huh… Well, it’s not like he is getting behind the wheel after partying. That would take it to another level.

Oh shit, wait… he did have that DUI when he was 19 and got 18 months probation for it. But he apologized for that too. Does this sound familiar? Let’s just insert different age and repeat. Hmmm, I guess he didn’t learn from this mistake. Here’s the apology from back then:

“I made a mistake and I wanted to share my feelings about it. Getting into a car with anything to drink is wrong. It’s dangerous and it’s unacceptable. I’m 19, but was taught that no matter how old you are, you take responsibility for actions, which I will do. I’m extremely sorry.”

Wellll, at least he’s not spending crazy nights in Vegas with strippers, throwing shit around the club and passing out facedown on the bar! Wait, whaaaat? THE KID DID THAT TOO!

Ok, c’mon, let’s cut him some slack. He is a young and, like I said before, who hasn’t done a bong hit at a college party, or had a crazy night or two in Vegas. At least he didn’t end up having sex with a stripper. Oh wait… HE DID THAT TOO!

And it gets even better. I mean, the drinking and driving showed some poor judgment, getting caught on camera taking a hit off a bong shows poor judgment as well, but to me, this part shows that the kid is freakin’ CRAAAAAAZY.

He brought a stripper home for the great American holiday of Thanksgiving. HE BROUGHT A STRIPPER TO THANKSGIVING DINNER… HELLOOOOOO! Bong Hit Gold Medal Winner Fer Sure. El Boy-Oh Loco!

Meet the Phelps family dinner guest Caroline “Cazzzzz” Pal:

I’m going to go out on a limb here and make a prediction. I see another apology coming soon. Something like: “I made a mistake. I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m only 19, I mean 23, or 25 years old, but I’m extremely sorry. I should have never filmed myself snorting a mountain of blow while having sex with that prostitute.”

How does that old Greatest American Hero song go? C’mon, take a bong hit, hit play on the video below and sing along with me:

“Look at what’s happened to me. I can’t believe it myself.
Suddenly I’m up on top of the world, It should’ve been somebody else.

Believe it or not, I’m walking on air. I never thought I could feel so freeeee.
Flying away, on a wing and a prayer. Who could it beeee?
Believe it or not, it’s just… Michael Phelps.